Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize