12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
