party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
