the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
