She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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