He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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