This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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