saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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