So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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