I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
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