so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
