I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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