The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
