Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
