I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
