hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
