I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
