Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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