I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
