Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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