why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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