I want to make a zoo with you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
