I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
