we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
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AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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