Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pants are for mortals
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
