We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
