Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
