I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
