Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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