Life is so much better after having sex.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
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He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
how drunk are you?
Several
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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