ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
