Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
