Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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