So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
