Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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