ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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