just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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