tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
