Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
