Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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