I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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