Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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