sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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