I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
