They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
