Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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