saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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