just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
