Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am available for nakedness
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
