Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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