she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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