i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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