Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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