Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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