I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
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The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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