If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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