I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wear drunk well.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
