the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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