he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
